The Fable of the race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine

You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him; but right at the end -- gosh, I'm sure you remember what happened, Bob -- the tortoise bit clean-through the chief of medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive, right there on the racetrack. It's a...disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me, nonetheless.

Dr. Glover or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Appreciate a Man Who Takes One for the Team

My dear friends, I have seen the light. I truly let something sinister happen this weekend. I was such an uncaring asshole that I let a woman touch a friend of mine! I have to admit that my judgement was clouded due to my drinking that evening, but none the less, I was an asshole for letting that evil woman touch him in places that you can only imagine about.

My children, for when the bell reckons, does it not toll for you? That is what I initially though, but was I ever mistaken. It started out a normal weekend, drinking excessively into the wee hours of the night, but did it ever taken a nasty turn. Once we left the first establishment for imbibing drinks of an alcoholic nature, we faced the frozen tundra to visit an establishment where they dance for enjoyment. While I could go on about who in their right minds dance for good times, I won't simply due to the fact that I do not want to infect the readers of this fine piece of riding with thoughts other than myself being unfit to be a friend of others. Once we got to this dance club, a man I shall call Tony Mustafa to protect the inocent, was being dance by a young vixen. This vixen was trying to be a home wrecker to this fine, upstanding, young man. In comes Paul Revere, a psuedoname also used to protect the innocent man who took one for the team. Mr. Revere allowed this vixen to "grind" up on him, allow her ass to rub against his weapon if you will. This is the part of the story where I become an asshole for letting this happen. Just think about this, I, Mr. Glover have become an asshole for letting this happen. I honestly do not know what got into me. To let a fine upstanding man like Mr. Bernar.... Paul Revere get touch by a woman goes against all I know.

In conclusion, I must say that by allowing this devilous deed to occur that I have become a ruddy jackass, and by becoming a ruddy jackass I have joined the likes of that damn ruddy jackass Bono. What have I become? The only way I can think to atone for such a deed is to cut myself and to buy Mr. Revere a beer since honestly, who lets a friend get touched by a woman? From here on out, not this man thats for damn sure.

If anyone sees Mr. Paul Revere out and about, please buy him a beer for him taking one for the team.

Jack McCoy is a badass with a heart of gold.

Jack McCoy is my idol. This is his life story and its all true. I did the research, and yes I was in a labcoat thus making it all true.

When you think of badass with a heart of gold, who do you personally think of? Most people would think, why Mr. Glover, you are a badass with a heart of gold. Well my children, that is in fact true, but their is a even greater badass with a heart of gold. This man, with his beady little eyes of pure badassery is named Jack McCoy. Before why I explain why is a greater person that myself, I must describe his childhood.

Jack McCoy was brought into this world by a robot for a mother, and a drunkard as a father. The robot is the main reason why he has those rat like beady eyes, but they do not have the negative connotation of evil beady eyes that rats are generally associated. Many think that rat eyes are evil, but Jack McCoy's eyes are filled with the burning desire to be a hardass. Anyhow, before I start rambling, McCoy's mother was a robot made out of tin cans by his father who I will now refer to as Pete. Pete made his psuedo wife out of tin cans because he could not make love to a women because he was allergic. Honestly, he would break out in hives upon even seeing a woman. This caused him to become a hermit in a cave on Mount Olympus. Besides being a hermit, he was also a Greek, Roman, and Norse god named Drunkarddeemus who has the special ability to drink himself into a coma whenever needed. When Pete needed drinking money he would collect tin cans to turn in for nickels, but one day he decided to turn the tin cans into a women. Jack McCoy was conceived on the same night that the women out of tin was created. McCoy was raised in scotch from his mothers tin nipple thus turning him into the demigod of scotch. Not much is known between his birth and his DA career because I haven't done the research because I lost my lab coat.

Jack McCoy received his heart of gold when he saved 5 million orphans from a burning bus in some random town in some random state. Since that event he has regularly donated half of his paycheck to orphans. He then uses the receipts to polish his heart of gold into a bright and shining gold color known as gold. Since he survives only on scotch, he doesn't need that much money. Whenever he eats food, it is to trick the white man to thinking he is a human. What a clever ruse that tricky Jack McCoy has played on us.

The fact that he is a badass needs no explaining. His everyday actions such as drinking scotch constantly shows he is a badass.