Jack McCoy is a badass with a heart of gold.

Jack McCoy is my idol. This is his life story and its all true. I did the research, and yes I was in a labcoat thus making it all true.

When you think of badass with a heart of gold, who do you personally think of? Most people would think, why Mr. Glover, you are a badass with a heart of gold. Well my children, that is in fact true, but their is a even greater badass with a heart of gold. This man, with his beady little eyes of pure badassery is named Jack McCoy. Before why I explain why is a greater person that myself, I must describe his childhood.

Jack McCoy was brought into this world by a robot for a mother, and a drunkard as a father. The robot is the main reason why he has those rat like beady eyes, but they do not have the negative connotation of evil beady eyes that rats are generally associated. Many think that rat eyes are evil, but Jack McCoy's eyes are filled with the burning desire to be a hardass. Anyhow, before I start rambling, McCoy's mother was a robot made out of tin cans by his father who I will now refer to as Pete. Pete made his psuedo wife out of tin cans because he could not make love to a women because he was allergic. Honestly, he would break out in hives upon even seeing a woman. This caused him to become a hermit in a cave on Mount Olympus. Besides being a hermit, he was also a Greek, Roman, and Norse god named Drunkarddeemus who has the special ability to drink himself into a coma whenever needed. When Pete needed drinking money he would collect tin cans to turn in for nickels, but one day he decided to turn the tin cans into a women. Jack McCoy was conceived on the same night that the women out of tin was created. McCoy was raised in scotch from his mothers tin nipple thus turning him into the demigod of scotch. Not much is known between his birth and his DA career because I haven't done the research because I lost my lab coat.

Jack McCoy received his heart of gold when he saved 5 million orphans from a burning bus in some random town in some random state. Since that event he has regularly donated half of his paycheck to orphans. He then uses the receipts to polish his heart of gold into a bright and shining gold color known as gold. Since he survives only on scotch, he doesn't need that much money. Whenever he eats food, it is to trick the white man to thinking he is a human. What a clever ruse that tricky Jack McCoy has played on us.

The fact that he is a badass needs no explaining. His everyday actions such as drinking scotch constantly shows he is a badass.