The True Story of Footprints in the Sand

One night, a man had a dream that he was walking with the Lord along a beach as they scenes from his life flashed across the sky.
Looking back, he noticed that during the saddest times of his life there was only a single set of footprints in the sand.
“Oh, I know,” the man said. “It’s because you were carrying me during those times, right?”
“Um, sure…” replied the Lord. Then the man’s teeth fell out.
Upon waking, the man described his dream (without the teeth part) to many others, and they wrote it down and hung it in their bathrooms.

Girlfriend Application

The Fable of the Grasshopper and the Octopus

The Fable of the Grasshopper and the Octopus

Its just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. Then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?

Valentines Day is a Sexist Holiday

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest realization of sexism in the history of our nation.

My fellow brothers, some 150 years ago, a great travesty was placed on our gender. You may wonder who would do such a thing and I would reply, nonchalantly, those damn British settlers. They are not responsible for starting the travesty, but they did much to spread its sexist action on my fellow men. One legend has it that it was started by St. Valentine before he was killed for his actions of starting a capitalist holiday. The Romans of that day and age found out about his capitalist ventures to bring about a holiday that is purely capitalist minded and they had planned to kill him for his beliefs. One the day he was to be killed, he passed on a note to his jailer's daughter that said, "From your Valentine." I'm sure it also included several other ramblings detailing his feelings for his jailer's daughter since he knew that even if he died, he would be able to bring about this horrid capitalist venture. On a side note, who really writes such a lame note that says from your valentine, which would be like me, Mr. Glover, writing notes that said "From your Mr. Glover." Absolutely absurd! Back in my day such writings would have countered with severe beatings that would take place behind a shed or a shanty. Whichever would have floated the attacker's proverbial boat.

Furthermore, since those times, all men of every color are ruled by this day. We are ruled by this day by taking that evil opposite gender out to dinner, brunch, breakfast, lunch, or that new fangled fourth meal I keep hearing about. I'm sure that some of my brethren are ruled so much that they take them out to all five meals! Could you imagine having to decide five different places to eat at? I have a hard time just choosing one. Not only do WE take THEM out to eat, but we also buy those evil people gifts to profess our true feelings to them! Why is this done? It's done because this oh so clever "special day" is actually a ruse. It's not truly that special unless something special happens, like you find a five dollar bill on the ground. Just think about that for a minute or two. Back in my day, those people would have been happy with a new microwave or sweeper, but not anymore! Call me old fashion, but in my humble opinion, nothing expresses true love like a sweeper.

My fellow brothers, if we wish to rise against this evil and sexist day, we must join hands, metaphorically since doing it in public would give off a homophobic vibe which would be bad news bears, unless, that's the way you swing, which is not a big deal either. Anyhow, we must join hands to fight this day and walk as one to battle it.

Let us not wallow in the valley of capitalist holidays, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of this holiday today, tomorrow, and the days of the past, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream of equal representation.

I have a dream that one day; men will receive flowers and stuffed bears with cute clothing from women! My dear brothers, I have a dream that one day I will receive a lab coat with my name embroidered on it! Such a lab coat that I could prance about in with a spirit o so free! I have a dream that in unity, men can prune flowers that they receive in such a way that they look manly and that we can be proud of that feat.

I have a dream not tomorrow, not yesterday, but the day after yesterday!

My brothers, we must band together for a united cause against this evil doing of the opposite gender! Since the days of this traitor Valentine, we have been tricked into sexist holiday since he decided to for some awful reason to write a ghetto fabulous note to some random daughter of his jailer. This traitor is responsible for the sexist actions that occur every year.

When these sexist actions are finally ended, we will finally able to say these words that I have dreamed of for so very long!

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God almighty, we are finally free at last!

College is the most successful pyramid scheme known to man

Where else can you pay thousands upon thousands of dollars expecting to receive a college degree only to get a piece a paper saying that you have a degree? No where.

I came to this realization the other day in class as I was reading Nietzsche in class. I managed to read the book by hiding the book behind my textbook while I was pulling the wool over my teacher's eyes if you will. By using this clever scheme I was able to act like I was intently reading the book.

While reading that book I realized that I have wasted 4 years of my life being in college. The most amazing thing about school is that I get by doing the least possible work. In the past, I have labeled myself as a chronic underachiever, but after putting some thought into that, I want to change my stance. In the words of the great philosopher Peter Gibbons, I am simply unmotivated. Why apply myself when I can do absolutely nothing in class and get by with A's?

My day at school is generally filled with hardships. When I first get to class, there is no coffee made. No coffee whatsoever is made. To remedy that situation I make a pot. Then I go on a hunt for a newspaper. This generally wastes about 15 to 30 minutes of my class. Once I find that amazing newspaper I sit down and drink coffee for the next half hour while catching on the daily happenings. After I read that newspaper I generally will hit up the vending machines for something to eat. Then I will come back, eat my potato skins and then pull out my book an hour after class has started. After I pull out that book, I usually start to space out and think about things that have no bearing on class. I start thinking about random stuff, like what am I going to do after I get out of class, or if I'm going to start tossing pens, pencils, knives, and/or screwdrivers into the ceiling tiles while the teacher isn't looking. On a side note, I am in the lead with five foreign objects stuck in the ceiling. After about another half hour of not paying attention, I nonchalantly will pull out the book that I am currently reading and will put it in between my textbook so I look like I am doing something important.

That is what I do at school, absolutely nothing. Sure, there are a few times where I have to apply myself, but those moments rarely occur and when they do occur, I put in my 5 minutes of work for the month and continue to slack off. There have only been a handful of times where I can honestly say I have learned something that I could not have done on my own. Soon, after paying enough money into this horrid pyramid scheme that has come with broken promises, I will have a piece of paper that said I am an educated individual.