Valentines Day is a Sexist Holiday

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest realization of sexism in the history of our nation.

My fellow brothers, some 150 years ago, a great travesty was placed on our gender. You may wonder who would do such a thing and I would reply, nonchalantly, those damn British settlers. They are not responsible for starting the travesty, but they did much to spread its sexist action on my fellow men. One legend has it that it was started by St. Valentine before he was killed for his actions of starting a capitalist holiday. The Romans of that day and age found out about his capitalist ventures to bring about a holiday that is purely capitalist minded and they had planned to kill him for his beliefs. One the day he was to be killed, he passed on a note to his jailer's daughter that said, "From your Valentine." I'm sure it also included several other ramblings detailing his feelings for his jailer's daughter since he knew that even if he died, he would be able to bring about this horrid capitalist venture. On a side note, who really writes such a lame note that says from your valentine, which would be like me, Mr. Glover, writing notes that said "From your Mr. Glover." Absolutely absurd! Back in my day such writings would have countered with severe beatings that would take place behind a shed or a shanty. Whichever would have floated the attacker's proverbial boat.

Furthermore, since those times, all men of every color are ruled by this day. We are ruled by this day by taking that evil opposite gender out to dinner, brunch, breakfast, lunch, or that new fangled fourth meal I keep hearing about. I'm sure that some of my brethren are ruled so much that they take them out to all five meals! Could you imagine having to decide five different places to eat at? I have a hard time just choosing one. Not only do WE take THEM out to eat, but we also buy those evil people gifts to profess our true feelings to them! Why is this done? It's done because this oh so clever "special day" is actually a ruse. It's not truly that special unless something special happens, like you find a five dollar bill on the ground. Just think about that for a minute or two. Back in my day, those people would have been happy with a new microwave or sweeper, but not anymore! Call me old fashion, but in my humble opinion, nothing expresses true love like a sweeper.

My fellow brothers, if we wish to rise against this evil and sexist day, we must join hands, metaphorically since doing it in public would give off a homophobic vibe which would be bad news bears, unless, that's the way you swing, which is not a big deal either. Anyhow, we must join hands to fight this day and walk as one to battle it.

Let us not wallow in the valley of capitalist holidays, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of this holiday today, tomorrow, and the days of the past, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream of equal representation.

I have a dream that one day; men will receive flowers and stuffed bears with cute clothing from women! My dear brothers, I have a dream that one day I will receive a lab coat with my name embroidered on it! Such a lab coat that I could prance about in with a spirit o so free! I have a dream that in unity, men can prune flowers that they receive in such a way that they look manly and that we can be proud of that feat.

I have a dream not tomorrow, not yesterday, but the day after yesterday!

My brothers, we must band together for a united cause against this evil doing of the opposite gender! Since the days of this traitor Valentine, we have been tricked into sexist holiday since he decided to for some awful reason to write a ghetto fabulous note to some random daughter of his jailer. This traitor is responsible for the sexist actions that occur every year.

When these sexist actions are finally ended, we will finally able to say these words that I have dreamed of for so very long!

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God almighty, we are finally free at last!